Richard Edward Illing

My baby brother, King Richard the Ninth, is dead. My rock, my financial adviser, my friend, my confidant, my brother is gone from my life and I miss him terribly.

He never thought he would live past forty so I should be grateful for the eight extra years. But I am not grateful, I am angry. I am angry at a disease that sucks the joy out of life for so many people in my family and my life. Depression is an insidious thing, that for those of us born with it, is normal life.

For my brother, as for myself, life was always filled with sadness. Joy is hard to come by when you are depressed, and when you manage to grab some, you know it is only fleeting. Going to Catholic school, everyone I knew felt the same. I didn't know anyone who was just plain happy. Being happy on Earth doesn't get you very far in heaven when you are Catholic. Suffering is the way to joy in heaven.

Imagine my confusion when, in college, I met some very contented, as well as some downright happy, people. Wow! I wanted some of whatever it was that they were smoking.  These people were not only happy, they were good people. These kind-hearted, calm, contented, happy people were everything I wanted to be. But no matter how hard I tried that happiness eluded me.

There is a segment of the self-help world that preaches that you can think your way to whatever you want in life. It goes by different names at different times but it is essentially the idea that if you can control your thoughts, you can control your destiny.  My generation called it positive affirmations, the and power of positive thinking. We Americans really want to believe that you can control your thoughts through the power of will.

Well, can you change your thoughts in any meaningful way? Certainly people change their thinking when they learn new things. As life lessons and science add to our understanding we change the way we see the world. Yes you can change your thoughts through learning.

Now, can you change your thoughts with chemicals? We don't like the idea that simple body chemistry can control something as essential to who we are as our thoughts.  The psychiatric community bumps up against the idea of chemistry vs. shear will power in the treatment of psychiatric disease. But the fact remains that depression is a chemical condition of the brain that can be altered by changing brain chemistry.

I found help for my depression in the good medicines available today. Yes diet, exercise, relaxation all play a role, but none of that was possible until I was able to maintain the serotonin balance in my brain. Yes, brain chemistry does impact your very thoughts. I no longer have nightmares or arguments without resolution in my head.

And my brother?  I am angry that mental health professionals wanted my brother to deal with the intruding, demanding, racing thoughts in his head with talk therapy. I am angry that when they finally provided him with medication, they gave him an adjunct drug instead of simple depression medication. I am angry that, just as advertised, that drug lead to his suicide.

I understand that suicide can happen and there is no way to predict or prevent it. I understand that no matter what, my brother is at peace and no longer fighting. But I'm still angry.