Memory, Blessing or Curse

I have been gifted with an excellent long term memory. I have to work a little harder at short term memory but once something gets into long term RAM it is likely there to stay.

This ability has served me well in school and work. I believe memory is a major component of one's IQ. The fact that I can remember the point in the lecture when the professor talked about the question on the test and I can visualize the page in the book that contains the answer makes test taking a breeze compared to the student who must study content to commit it to memory.  However, memory may also be an important factor in depression.

I remember many things about my childhood that others involved, such as friends and family, do not. Emotionally charged situations are easier for most people to remember, but for me they can be a source of circular thoughts that characterize a period of depression. I remember bad decisions made long ago and relive them over and over. I think about hurtful situations reliving them in my head. I can remember good things too but my brain chemistry tends to focus on the bad.

So focusing on good things is good practice for me. This blog has made it clear that I am not very good at it.
I remember times around the crowded dinner table of my childhood when we laughed until we cried.
I remember playing outside until mom rang the cowbell calling us to dinner.
I remember walking to various parks and enjoying the flowers and the trees.
I remember going to the swimming pool just about every day of the summer.
I remember grandma and Catherine hosting family picnics at Rainbow Beach.
I remember the Christmas tree at Catherine's old house that appeared to be two stories high.
I remember golden books, army men and neapolitan ice cream at grandma's house.
I remember polishing my shoes on Saturday night for church on Sunday.
I remember making paper mache for school projects.
I remember my brother asking my dad to make a "pool" in his mashed potatoes for the gravy.
I remember trick or treating, dropping off a bag of candy at home, and going out for more.
I remember my mother typing on this old typewriter,

See this typewriter on a t-shirt

I Photograph the Moon

The massive winter storm Jonas is visiting the East Coast today but I am in Florida.

There is a big nearly full moon in the sky here tonight. I took a picture of it before sunset when it was low on the eastern horizon. After dark, I photographed it again. How do you make a photo of the moon interesting?

In the past I have photographed the moon with clouds in the sky. Tonight I used a foreground of the branches of a tree. I'm not sure what will be in focus when I download the photos.

A beautiful moon makes me happy.

Day Two - Star Wars

Saturday is movie night for me. This week I went to see Star Wars The Force Awakens.
The long awaited movie opened December 18, 2015, but I waited until the crowds thinned out.

I thoroughly enjoyed  Star Wars A New Hope back in 1977. It was exciting and like nothing I had seen before. I sat on the edge of my seat from the opening scene and stayed there until the last credit rolled.

This latest movie was just plain fun. It was a roller coaster ride past so many Star Wars icons, stormtroopers, Darth Vader's helmet, the Millennium Falcon, light sabers,  Dejarik (holographic chess),
 with a "Where Are They Now" episode thrown into the mix.

I don't know what today's young will think of this movie in the Star Wars catalog, but for this boomer, I enjoyed the ride.

Oscar Night Fun

Looking For The Joy

2015 went by without a post. So did 2014. My mother always said, "If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all." So I haven't.

In an effort to turn the tide, I will attempt to find something nice to say each day of 2016.
So far I am about two hours late with my first post but here goes:

I truly enjoy photography. I take pictures as well as video. Tonight I was organizing digital videos and photos. I revisited my 2011 road trip to Arches National Park in Moab, Utah  with my sister.

Utah is beautiful. I wouldn't have thought so as a child, but as an adult I can appreciate the great forces at work in creating the enormous landscape of rock and sky. I can appreciate the skill and knowledge of people who make a living in such a land. I can wonder at the lives of the dinosaurs whose remains can be found throughout the state.

I am fascinated by the human urge to leave a note behind in what today we call graffiti, while those left by prehistoric peoples we call petroglyphs. You can see a lot of both in Utah.

We enjoyed Utah so much we went back the next year to see Zion National Park.
Calendar of my photographs

What Has Happened to the News?

Dinosaurs Bite

I had to stop watching the Sunday morning news talk shows. Meet the Press, Face the Nation, and This Week With George Stephanopolis were always good for a laugh and a few good arguments with family and friends. Unfortunately political discourse has become like religion, if you don't have facts, go with opinion. What people want to think is more important than analysis of facts. Opinion trumps news.

I have been watching the Sunday morning news talk shows since I was a child and my mother had the shows on as she prepared bacon and eggs for the family.  I watched for forty years, but I can't watch them any more.

These political discussions have become all about who is winning the political popularity contest, or how a particular person should handle a situation for political gain. There is no insight into current events, no pithy one liners that really make you think, too many old white men, the same tired old faces, and still too few women bog these shows down.

The same kind of ideological gridlock that keeps Congress from earning it's salary is echoed in the hollow talk that passes for discussion on these programs. The same old politicians show up with very obvious exclusions to keep the conversation tame. No one challenges outright misinformation. OK once in a while on Meet the Press David Gregory will give it a go. But not like I remember it in the past.

Moderators used to have facts and figures at their fingertips and challenged guests when they played fast and loose with the facts. You cannot really discuss any issue until you can at least agree on the facts. So there you go. I cannot listen to the silliness that passes for news anymore.

I guess I will get all the news I can use on the weather report.

Lucky 2013

Be Different Red BirdsHappy New Year.
It better be.
2012 was one long depression for me with one delight as the American people had the good sense to re-elect Barack Obama to the presidency.
This is why there is only one entry in my blog for 2012.
That entry was about my brother. His loss has colored the year dark for me.

But now we are in a new year and I predict that 2013 will be the "Year of Good Fortune"

My Predictions for Lucky 2013 in America

1. I predict that the shootings of 2012 will force Americans to face our violent culture and begin to heal the fear that has been the driving force behind the violence. 2013 will be the year we stop listening to the fear mongers who see evil behind every tree and open our eyes to the kindness that is human nature. We will change our culture from one of fear to one of cooperation.


2. I predict that there will be a backlash against the political attacks on the worker. 2013 will be the year that the ordinary citizen finds the strength to stand up for herself and show the world that the wealth of this country was created by the worker. Management will realize that there is nothing to manage if there are no workers. In 2013 the value of every member of an organization, from boardroom to bathroom, will be recognized.

 3. I predict that the political turmoil over economic issues in 2012 will force a reevaluation of the meaning and purpose of money. 2013 will bring a new understanding of money and wealth. Wealth will become a tool for the betterment of everyone rather than a measure of success. In 2013 there will be a growing realization that there is happiness in "spreading the wealth."

4. I predict that the weather disasters of 2012 will force us to see Mother Nature in a new light.
In 2013 a new sound will be heard. A long forgotten melody will once again be recognized in the songs of birds and whales, the wind and leaves, water running over rocks. The natural world will grow in significance in the hearts and minds of the people and share a greater recognition in the collective conscience.

5. I predict that 2013 will be the year that America takes a good look inward and begins to heal on an individual level.  Change will take place one person at a time. Like the drops of rain, one by one, fall from the sky to fill rivers and lakes, minds will grow, ideas will spread and person by person America will change.

I predict that 2013 will see a revolution in America. It may not come with pitch forks and torches. It may not come from Washington D.C. It may not come from pulpits and congregations. It may not come from technology and media. But it will come because people are tired of always wanting more.

Richard Edward Illing

My baby brother, King Richard the Ninth, is dead. My rock, my financial adviser, my friend, my confidant, my brother is gone from my life and I miss him terribly.

He never thought he would live past forty so I should be grateful for the eight extra years. But I am not grateful, I am angry. I am angry at a disease that sucks the joy out of life for so many people in my family and my life. Depression is an insidious thing, that for those of us born with it, is normal life.

For my brother, as for myself, life was always filled with sadness. Joy is hard to come by when you are depressed, and when you manage to grab some, you know it is only fleeting. Going to Catholic school, everyone I knew felt the same. I didn't know anyone who was just plain happy. Being happy on Earth doesn't get you very far in heaven when you are Catholic. Suffering is the way to joy in heaven.

Imagine my confusion when, in college, I met some very contented, as well as some downright happy, people. Wow! I wanted some of whatever it was that they were smoking.  These people were not only happy, they were good people. These kind-hearted, calm, contented, happy people were everything I wanted to be. But no matter how hard I tried that happiness eluded me.

There is a segment of the self-help world that preaches that you can think your way to whatever you want in life. It goes by different names at different times but it is essentially the idea that if you can control your thoughts, you can control your destiny.  My generation called it positive affirmations, the and power of positive thinking. We Americans really want to believe that you can control your thoughts through the power of will.

Well, can you change your thoughts in any meaningful way? Certainly people change their thinking when they learn new things. As life lessons and science add to our understanding we change the way we see the world. Yes you can change your thoughts through learning.

Now, can you change your thoughts with chemicals? We don't like the idea that simple body chemistry can control something as essential to who we are as our thoughts.  The psychiatric community bumps up against the idea of chemistry vs. shear will power in the treatment of psychiatric disease. But the fact remains that depression is a chemical condition of the brain that can be altered by changing brain chemistry.

I found help for my depression in the good medicines available today. Yes diet, exercise, relaxation all play a role, but none of that was possible until I was able to maintain the serotonin balance in my brain. Yes, brain chemistry does impact your very thoughts. I no longer have nightmares or arguments without resolution in my head.

And my brother?  I am angry that mental health professionals wanted my brother to deal with the intruding, demanding, racing thoughts in his head with talk therapy. I am angry that when they finally provided him with medication, they gave him an adjunct drug instead of simple depression medication. I am angry that, just as advertised, that drug lead to his suicide.

I understand that suicide can happen and there is no way to predict or prevent it. I understand that no matter what, my brother is at peace and no longer fighting. But I'm still angry.